I need to start with the Word when it comes to this topic.
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.” (Matthew 5:23-26)
“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:18-21)
Communication is extremely difficult to master. Miscommunication is extremely difficult to avoid. We are all different and we all perceive communication (whether verbal or non-verbal) differently. I will be the first person to admit my failings and inability when it comes to communicating. Obviously, I’m not the first communicator to fight (and fail) to communicate well. There’s Moses– he was God’s closest friend and the leader of the early nation of the Israelites. He, by his own admission, was “slow of speech”, but communicated much of what would be the culture and laws of Judaism. There’s King George VI. He was King of England and father to the longest reigning monarch in the United Kingdom’s history, Elizabeth II. He is known for his stutter and still gave one of the most inspiring speeches in the face of World War II. There’s even Pastor Matthew Barnett. He is the founder of the Dream Center (where I work in LA), the son of a great evangelist (Pastor Tommy Barnett), and jokes in many of his own sermons about his lack of good communication skills early in his ministry.
You get the point.
One of the main reasons, I think, that I’ve made such an effort to learn to be a writer and communicator on paper/text is because I’ve struggled so much to convey my intended meaning in my speech and non-verbal interactions. I laugh at this image in my head that I get of myself sometimes because, if I were a character in a novel, I’d be the villain that’s “just misunderstood”. I often feel this way. My heart is always for people being brought together by words. I’ve spent large expanses of time thinking through opportunities I had to say something beneficial or crucial in reconciling miscommunications and I missed the red flag, making mental notes to do better next time.
The trouble is I find myself doing the tearing apart even when I don’t realize it. This is the hardest lesson. I’ve had to learn different aspects of the same lesson all my life. I mean–if you strive to be great at something, you’re gonna hit the wall a few times and fall flat on your face. Boy, have I fallen. It hurts. I’m bruised. I’ve got scars. I’ve lost friendships and relationships. I’ve disrespected leaders both by accident and on purpose (a different time in my life, believe me). My words have been harsh, so I spent time softening them. I got too light-hearted and care-free with them, so I lessened how many I used. Suddenly, I was silent. I had silenced myself in the midst of my failure to understand where I went wrong. My biggest fear, my greatest gift, and my most valuable asset is my voice, yet I’m clueless as to knowing how to use it. Do you know what it’s like to be betrayed by yourself? To have your own mouth condemn you? Your own lips give testimony against you (Job 15:6)?
However, the lesson I should have been learning all along, the one God has had to teach me when no one else could, is to use my words with discernment AND humility. Understanding and knowledge are incredible tools, but, without discernment and humility, they are inoperable and void of use. Discernment is the filter for your coffee that keeps out the crunchy, bitter grounds and makes it taste smooth. It’s the training wheels that hold your bike upright and slow you down enough to learn at a more reasonable pace. Then, when you are well used to riding the bike and can take off the training wheels, try your hand at that humility stuff. Humility is the balancing act. It’ll knock you over and leave a few dents and scrapes on the confidence you may have had in your own ability. Humility is the key to changing gears, reminding you of the level you are on and stopping you (or at least making it hard for you) when you go too fast. Humility can break the whole bike if you push too hard in the wrong gear. It reminds you to check your intention and you’ll have to admit that your best position is when you are bowed down to God in recognition of his superior capability over your own.
I’ve had to realize that if I’m using my knowledge without discernment then I’ll often say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or even the right thing at the wrong time. Nevertheless, my timing and the delivery of the message is always off when I’m not using discernment. Similarly, if I’m using knowledge with discernment but still lacking humility, then my pride puffs me up and tends to turn me into some wise-(wo)man of my own making. Without humility, I tend to believe I have some great thing to offer that others should praise me for. I’ve stomped on several people when I have adopted this attitude and I’m so sorry for it. I still don’t always apply what I have learned very well, but it’s in my heart and always on my mind to lay my best efforts out on the table in what I say. These two principles, put together in partnership with knowledge, have been so difficult for me to learn, but it’s a process I always want to be moving forward and progressing in.
There are many people who have been honest with me (though not always gentle) and up-front with their critique of my communication skills. My parents can attest to the many conversations with teachers and mentors. It’s hard to sometimes watch my younger sister struggle in the same way, but we both do our best to be heard and understood. I’m grateful for the many people who have each played a part in sanding down my splinters and rough edges. It was a team effort. Much as it was unpleasant at the time, I’m all the more thankful to have been given opportunities to explain myself and to hear what others perceive in conversation with me. All it takes is a gracious conversation to change the life of a young person who is struggling to find their voice. When we can move past our own insecurities or injured feelings and address a communicational flaw with another person (seeking out what they may have actually intended), we might just be in the unique/privileged position to cover our brother or sister’s shame and open a dialogue that will save them from some future hurts. Coming from the person who has had to learn the hard way a few times, please be this kind of friend to your loved ones and fellow believers. Help someone you love hear how they are heard and perceived, even if they are in the right in an argument. Some of us just can’t hear the harsh sound of our own voice. Please, help us. It is the most rewarding act of kindness.
“For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:19?-?22)
“For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.” (Romans 5:10)
