Enough [and Thoughts on Training Camp, Part One]

TRAINING CAMP

August 8-18th, 2018

Where do I even start?

…

My phone lit up with so many messages when I turned off airplane mode upon arrival in Georgia.  The long morning started at 4ish and there was some yawning, but I couldn’t wait to get to the people which had informed the group chat that they were waiting together in the airport.  Twenty minutes later, I was on my way to them with my pack on my back, my daypack on my front, and my guitar case in hand.  It hadn’t dawned on me to be nervous.  I stood in the middle of the airport and I could see the group of fellow racers.  Soon, I found out that many of them weren’t even on my squad, but I saw them and I knew immediately—this is my family.  Their packs covered the ground around the table they had claimed.  There was literally no room to walk around them—you couldn’t miss them.  They were undoubtedly my people.  A certain level of comfort was drawn from their presence because the reality I had been waiting for over the past year was finally sitting before my eyes.  I could see it, touch it, hear it (and eventually smell it—thanks to bucket showers).  I knew them even if it was only in a glance from across the crowded Atlanta airport.

Then, it hit me.  In all my confidence, I was suddenly very self-aware. 

“What if I’m not who they imagined?”

“What if I’m not who they hoped I would be?”

“What’s the face I should put on today that will spark the most interest to them and maybe get them to like me and want to get to know me?”

Whoa.  That.  That scared me.  So, I put on my most confident smile and powered over to them.  Introductions were made and I immediately went into the mode that works to establish my value to the group.  Yes, I have one of those and it is PAINFUL when I use it.  The “what if” questions had to be silenced somehow.  Let me tell you—it never works.  It just makes me feel alone and traps the quiet little girl in my head that is scared and unsure of herself.  I sat there and lied my way through my first hour with the people I knew I could trust but was choosing not to.  I was telling truth.  There were no lies coming out of my mouth.  Yet, every way I held myself, every wall I put up to protect myself… It buried me in the lie which said, “They will never love you.”

I chose in this post that I would get to the heart of that first day and speak truth into the lies I believed.  I cannot even describe to you what God did on day one.  Day ONE.  He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and you would’ve thought the unbreachable stone walls around me were only thin glass by the way they fell.  That evening God made it clear that there was no way I could lie to these people.  There was no way I could stand there, no way I could choose to sit down like a child and pout about being alone, and miss the freedom God knew was right around the corner.  He shattered my mask on day ONE.

Dang, if that isn’t just like him.

I worshiped at the front of the room near the stage in that first evening session.  I gravitate to worship and to sing and dance anytime I’m in his presence.  But, he saw my heart.  He had seen me on the drive to camp in Gainesville and how I was already doubting that I would ever be enough to fit in with the amazing people going on the race with me who comparison had already claimed would likely do greater things in the kingdom than I ever would.  Worship was where I knew I had it right.  I was truly free there.  Then, someone walked up to me.  Madie, the squad mentor who I hadn’t really met yet, comes over to me.  I cannot even recall what she said, but whatever I heard hit so incredibly deep somewhere inside me.  Letting it sink in after she had finished and walked away, I found her again and decided in my heart that it was time to let go.  The Holy Spirit broke the monster of pride inside me and there was no doubt in my mind that before I could go any further at camp I had to let God establish my true identity in his kingdom.

It absolutely terrifies me to publish this on my blog.  This past year, I fought tooth and nail against homosexuality and depression in a way I had never fought it before.  It’s been a battle for me nearly a decade now and I truly desired to seek God’s kingdom AND his righteousness for the first time.  God had given me a vision of my husband and the family which he has promised me.  Somewhere along the way, I settled into the identity of being a lesbian and that God would have to change that label in his own time.  Although that was truth of a sort, it held me captive to an identity which was never what God had for me.  This was the mask I put on: “My story is more interesting because I’m a part of a community that most people don’t understand and am thus knowledgeable about something they are not.”  That was my value.  Knowledge was power and a community was where I belonged.  I owned that identity; it was mine.  And I had refused to release it to God.  Freedom was coming. 

“But, it has to be further down the line because I’m still feeling what I’m feeling.  He hasn’t taken it away yet.”

How wrong I was.  I pulled Madie aside and I broke.  All of it came flooding out.  Pride had literally no power to hold back the flow of truth that came from my mouth.  I was tired of it.  Enough was enough.  I had determined in my heart to walk into this thing FREE.  For real and for good.  And the new kingdom identity I was presented with in that moment was this:

I am a Daughter.  His Daughter.  A child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  I have the key to the Kingdom and all I had to do was walk through the Door.

The tears were and are real, people.  Whoa.  WHOA.  The Holy Spirit grabbed me in that moment and hasn’t let me go.  I don’t need to be a part of a community when I hold a place in the Kingdom!  I don’t need to establish my value because my value has already been determined!  I’m an heir with Christ to the ultimate place of belonging.  I belong.

And that was just day one.  (I’m laughing so hard, y’all; it’s insane.)

Whew… ok.

So, many things happened during day two and three.  I’m still processing all of it, so that may have to be in a later post.  However, what’s relevant to this and what I want to focus on is how God confirmed that identity over the first few days of camp.

Madie approached me again (I think day three) and we made plans to work on some inner healing where I could speak more at length and really let God work on what he was doing in my heart.  On day four (Saturday), both of us and one of my squad trainers, Teresa, went to a quiet spot together and got in God’s presence and he really opened up my eyes to the wounds that I still had.  Some bitterness, some unforgiveness, and some deep hurt, which hadn’t even been noticed before, surfaced during the meeting.  This environment allowed me to speak freely with God about things I would usually silence and both of my leaders were witnesses to what he was doing in my heart.  It was really very special.  I believe this needed to happen for me to be present during camp, not just physically there and going through the day to day.  At the end of the session, we kind of talked about revisiting all of it once I had time to process (which I thought would take a more significant amount of time than it actually did).

Again, the evening session that night began with worship.  I felt the urge to be still with God and sat on the floor near the front row of chairs and listened.  The songs were songs of victory.  Raw and attainable victory.  I felt God say, “Now.  Now is when you take back territory.”  Oh, man.  I jumped up and I found Teresa.  I explained that I thought it would take longer to process, but, when God promises you the victory, you jump up to claim it.  She agreed and, after dancing to one more song (“King of my Heart” is kinda my fight song), I got on stage and I declared it.  In front of everyone.  Standing there, I knew I was free.  Victory was in my hands.  I took back the territory I had handed to the enemy and declared it to be God’s territory.  I told EVERYONE my new identity.  I called them all to be witnesses and to be my accountability to what God had done in my life.  Tears were rolling down my face and, as soon as I stepped off that stage, every person from my squad surrounded me.  This is my family.  These are my people.

That’s not all!  God used the vulnerability he gave me in that moment to grab the attention of one of my own teammates and she got up there, too!!!  God set her free from anxiety that night!  He released her from the incredible burden of daily panic that had found its way into her heart and mind.  You just cannot deny the power of OUR God!!!!  WOW!!!  Walls were falling left and right and he used our vulnerability to open other peoples hearts to what God wanted to do.  We were both approached by people whose lives had been affected because of the power of our stories. 

He left us awestruck time and time again.

 

I know this isn’t the full story of training camp.  There will be a part two, I’m sure.  But, this story was what needed to be shared first because I hadn’t told anyone yet about this amazing move of God.  I was looking for the right words this week to express the joy and love I feel for God, my Father.  All glory to Him who saved us, who rescued us and made us new.  He never ceases to amaze and he always inspires awe in my heart.  He is greater than the struggle and the pain.  He covers a multitude of sin.  He never condemns, but always convicts.  And there is nothing he wouldn’t do for his children.

He is enough.