A Letter to Me

My World Race squad has been challenged to write one blog post every week for the month of April (four posts total).  The writer in me is SUPER excited.  Like craaazy excited.  Then, there’s the perfectionist that just, you know, cries a little inside.  I’m literally trying to read and write so many things right now it’s actually INSANITY that I somehow think “Oh, hey! I’ll do one more!”… Anyways.  Here I am.  Writing blog post numero uno.
The first topic I’d like to tackle is one that I think is quite interesting because, although I’m quite open about my testimony, I really don’t know how to address my younger self.  Obviously, my topic is “What I Would Tell 17-year-old Me”.  And, she is very complicated.  I don’t want to just do all the checklist of usual things people would say, thus, as it is one of my love languages, I’ll write her a letter.
To start, I want to introduce you to her.  She went by “Sydnee”.  Yes, my full name is Sydnee Régan Hollingsworth.  A little slower for those in the back?  “Ré” comes from–ahh, now you get it.  I didn’t change my name because I didn’t like it or because it was a nickname or due to some weird dual personality thing (jokes, jokes; this is where you laugh).  When I moved to Los Angeles to work for the Dream Center, I literally chose to cut off “Sydnee” for a season to leave behind some majorly disruptive and destructive parts of my life in the past.  You see, “Sydnee” held on to a porn addiction for seven years.  “Sydnee” had a lot of self-hate, was depressed, and was cutting herself.  “Sydnee” was the person that people didn’t know if they could trust (even AFTER she was saved) because she had spent years lying about who she was, what she believed, and had even tried to recommit her life to the Lord in front of people to throw them off the scent of her sin.  I no longer trusted “Sydnee”.
While in my first year here at the Dream Center, my mentor saw this separation of who I was and who I am and who I want to be.  I learned to see how pain in my life was compartmentalized and put away deep in the dark.  I was terrified and terrorized by the news reel that played over and over in my head every day. Sydnee wasn’t good enough and she definitely wasn’t healed enough to see the light of day.  She was hurt and so she hurt.  She was damaged, so she damaged. She was broken. So broken, in fact, that she forgot what it felt like to be whole.  She couldn’t imagine wholeness as something that was possible anymore.  There was no way to love God, love others, or love herself because she honestly believed she was the mess that no one wanted to clean up.
Nevertheless, I am Sydnee Régan Hollingsworth.  She is not separate from me.  I am now always unapologetically me.  It’s too complicated and too much work to be anyone else.  But, for the purposes of this letter to my younger self, I will differentiate between the two of us and say the following:

My sweet girl,
Look in the mirror.  Take away all pretense and all assumptions of how you think you need to look, act, or believe.  You don’t have to hold it together.  You don’t have to protect yourself or protect others from yourself or protect others from anyone else.  You are not responsible for anyone but you.  Take that weight off your shoulders, love.  It’s not yours to bear.  It’s not all your fault.  You are worthy of being protected and cared for. 
When people look at you in that way no one else knows cuts you so deeply, just smile a real smile.  People are just as clueless about what to say to you as you are to them.  You don’t have to believe what your mind says their eyes are saying about you.  Be who you are.  Cut your hair.  Wear your hat backwards.  PLEASE don’t wear that dress you hate.  These things don’t change your identity as a child of the King.  He created you to think more practically than aesthetically anyways.  You are extraordinary.  Don’t receive any other title or label or name that someone calls you to put you down.
You are worthy of receiving every kind of love, not just required to give it.  It’s not perverted to receive hugs.  You won’t taint anyone.  I know you just want to be touched.  You want to be held.  Just be held.  Please don’t think that depriving yourself of love will keep anyone safe from you, least of all yourself.  You aren’t too much.  You are perfectly enough.  The love you give is beautiful and intentional.  Keep giving it.  Don’t hold back; you’ll regret it when you do.  Forgive them.  Love anyways.  You don’t understand how much people need the love you could give.

Look yourself in the eye in that mirror.  Take note of how you astound people.  You make people wonder.  Don’t get big-headed about it, but you have some talent with a pen and paper.  Don’t be afraid of your words.  You have a voice.  Let them be astounded.  Knock people on their you-know-whats with how deeply you understand their human hearts.  Make them see that you love to take time to understand them when many others are too self-involved to care.  Don’t let anyone tell you you are depressing to be around because of the music you listen to or the deep-sea dive of discussion you are capable of or the color of your clothing.  Black is the color of the night sky where the universe is suddenly visible and the stars more easily touched.  There is no fear in love.  Have courage.  Be bold.  Love the Lord because he’s the only one who will love you unconditionally and without fail.  He is good and you can trust him. Let me tell you again–TRUST HIM.  The future before you is brighter than your laptop’s light at 3am.  Let him show you the way.  His way is beautiful and terrifying, heart-rending and so worth it.  Just hold onto him.  Just hold on.  It really does get better.  That doesn’t mean easier, but it gets SO much better.  You’ll see countries and meet people and speak boldly and write eloquently and sing powerfully and play passionately.  YOU are called Beloved and YOU are highly favored.  No one can eclipse the work that God is going to do.  There is no obstacle which stands when all things bow before the Almighty God.  So, bow before him.  Submit to his ways and he will make your path lead straight to him.  I believe in you.  Hold on, baby girl.  Keep charging headstrong into the field of battle.  You are a fighter and you will fight the war on the winning side.
I love you, but Jesus loves you more.

Truly,
You