The Best Thing

Trust is a hard thing.  It is standing between promises and disappointment, belief and doubt—and it is making a choice.  It is the hair-thin tripwire between our security and the destabilization of the world we construct in our minds surrounding a person or decision.  Trust is a hard thing.  We can trust the chair we sit on but not the people who say they love us.  It would barely touch the gravity of it all to merely say this is wrong.  We all know it is wrong, but how often do we break the trust that we require from people?  I’m just as guilty as the next person.

Let me back up and say that this is not a rant nor is it about betrayal of trust.  I have been chewing over ‘trust’ in my head for some time now (likely the duration of my traveling and time at CFNI) and I constantly contemplate over the context of this word in my own vocabulary as it pertains to God.  This word drop-kicked me into the greatest adventures of my life when I was asked a simple question in the quiet of my room at 3am on July 5, 2016:

“Do you trust Me?”

Jesus periodically asks me this question again.  It’s an inside joke between us most days, but this word holds a gravity I could not express in precise language unless one cracked open my head and got a good look for themselves.  I’ve found that the Lord has gifted me a more easy trust in the last few years; still, trust in Him has been the most difficult.  I’ve trusted Him for many things (often financial and material), yet rarely has my trust been consistent and, often, my trust resembles necessity and obligation more than friendship or love.  In a conversation with the Lord the other day, I sensed my own posture toward Him.  My mouth expressed genuine trust, while my arms were crossed and my body stiff.  At first, I perceived this to be His posture toward me before I realized it was my own.  Holy Spirit allowed me to see the Father’s tender gaze and the steady way He waits for me, and I couldn’t help the sense of shame that washed over me for putting my own attitude on Him.

The current season I’m in has taught me so much about trusting my Father.  My personal discovery is that knowing and believing in Him, putting faith in His Godhood, is vastly different than trusting Him and putting my hope in Him as my best friend.  Hope is surprisingly difficult to explain, but so is friendship.  We can have faith in who someone is and not have hope in them which allows us to entrust who we are back to them.  Vague as the concept is—and maybe I’m not doing well explaining what I’ve learned—nevertheless, this is a lesson I wish everyone could learn as quick as possible.  Without a doubt, though, learning this takes an entire lifetime.  Friendships and relationships here on earth are only reflections meant to teach us ahead of receiving a full revelation.  How amazing that there were people like Moses and Abraham who were counted as friends of God even before the full revelation of the cross and resurrection.  I aspire to having closeness with God which affords me the sort of pre-revelation of His friendship in my life.

As I write this, my mind is sobered by these truths and my heart is learning to lean on Him better.  Trust is harder than I wanted it to be.  In a microwave-ready society, we might need a homecooked meal.  It takes time, energy, resources, and a touch of Mama’s guess-timation.  A dash of hope here and a pinch of trust there to get the flavor right.  I’m gonna keep going so I’m always where He wants me.  Hope isn’t based on arriving somewhere or finishing some goal or project or having the right words to say.  Hope is in Him and He’s my friend so I can trust His hands to carry my fragile and tender heart.  I can trust Him when He breaks that heart and builds something stronger from the pieces.  Trust may be a hard thing but anyone who has walked this walk will tell you that it is also the best thing.

I trust that this is as encouraging to you as it is to me.

Humbling as it always is, I can’t get to where the Lord is taking me without help.  He has taught me about giving this semester, encouraging joyful giving as well as receiving.  I’ve completed two years at Christ For the Nations Institute and I have one year left to go.  Third year is all about your major and I’ve decided on Youth as my major!  I’m beyond excited to be an RA again, serving and leading students on campus.  This is my current mission field.  I will be focused on campus life and my local church as I wrap up my time as a student.

Spring 2022 semester is coming faster than I can handle, though.  My nanny job starts mid-January, so I have no income to cover the rest of my tuition from last semester (still sitting at a balance of $2,550) or my registration cost (which is now increased to $2945 as a penalty for not being able to pay off the Fall semester).  In total, I will owe $5,495 by January 16th to register for my classes.  You can imagine me on the edge of my seat, trusting the Lord and believing for what He told me He would do.  As you get emails from this update on my old World Race blog, I would like to ask that you share this on your page.  Send it to a friend.  Pray with me.  Believe with me.  Give if you can; pray and share if you can’t.  Additionally, if you would like to purchase some of my family’s homemade salsa, we sell it as a fundraiser so please message me on Instagram, Facebook messenger, or text me!  $10 for a quart jar and $5 for a pint!

I love you all.  There are times where my capacity has been limited and my friendship to some of you who have supported me in my travels was imperfect, but I’m one of the most blessed people because of your love and friendship.  Please know that.  It’s been hard to communicate some of what’s happened so I’ve left that off and chosen often not to post because of weariness and even fear.  I’ll leave off the should-haves and just say thank you to those of you who have stuck around.  Your friendship means more than you know.  Please, please message me if you have prayer requests and I would love to go to coffee or have a meal with you if you would like to reconnect!  Again, all my love.

–ré

Cashapp: $SRHollingsworth

Venmo: @Re-Hollingsworth

cfni.org/payment (message me for student ID#)