The One Where I Ask The Lord

I’ve run out of excuses.  Let me explain.

Ask The Lord month (my team’s month of prayer and letting the Lord guide to where we serve in Vietnam) has not gone as expected.  Getting to Vietnam was every bit the thrill I thought it would be coming into a country that I’ve wanted to visit for so long.  ATL proved it a different story.  It’s been hard.  Some days are fruitful, while others seem less so.  However, the difficulty wasn’t in what we did or didn’t do.  Last month I struggled to hear God because I wasn’t listening.  I don’t know why I came into this month (the MONTH OF PRAYER) with the same strategy (which had a proven 0% success rate) of praying while also leaving barely any room in my heart and mind for Him to speak.  Still, I was exactly where God wanted me for him to speak exactly when he wanted to, and, of course, he dug up years of stuff along with it.  Stuff I thought I’d dealt with.

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with the kind of content I put in front of my eyes ever since I was a kid.  I’m almost two and a half years clean from pornography (Praise Jesus!), but that doesn’t mean that the daily fight isn’t still there.  Since giving up porn, Instagram has been my new habit.  Some smokers give up cigarettes by chewing gum; I gave up porn and just started scrolling through social media.  It’s not inherently bad.  I mean, it’s a regular part of the day for most people now.  Still, when you live with a habit (however affecting it is to your functionality), you feel the ripple effect throughout the rest of your life.  I could find less incriminating content on Instagram, but I’ve lived with a coping mechanism that has been slowly becoming a disease to my spirit. 

So, as I was praying the other day, a message or something came through on Instagram and I let that interrupt my time with the Lord.  Suddenly, I was down the rabbit hole.  Thirty minutes go by.  Then, I stopped.  I closed Instagram and opened my Bible app and opened a scripture.

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.  The world and all its people belong to him.  For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean depths.  Who may climb the mountain of the Lord?  Who may stand in his holy place?  Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies.  They will receive the Lord’s blessing and have a right relationship with God their savior.  Such people may seek you and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob.  Open up, ancient gates!  Open up, ancient doors, and let the King of glory enter.  Who is the King of glory?  The Lord, strong and mighty; the Lord, invincible in battle.  Open up, ancient gates!  Open up, ancient doors, and let the King of glory enter.  Who is the King of glory?  The Lord of Heaven’s Armies—he is the King of glory.”  –Psalm 24

At this point, I noticed, it didn’t even hurt to acknowledge how much control I’d given it.  I became numb to its effects.  It wasn’t the movies or the TV shows anymore.  It wasn’t the porn.  No, no, no.  It was the pedestal.  It was all the reasons I NEEDED an app.  It was all the excuses I made.

“Well, this helps me fundraise.”

“I have to communicate with people back home.”

“I have photo projects that I’ve committed to doing.”

“I want to get featured on that page.”

“Everyone keeps up with my Race on here.”

“People need to see what I’m doing.”

Excuse after excuse after excuse—and these are only some of the ones from this year!  For two and a half years, I’ve taken breaks from social media, and, fast after fast, I’ve failed.  I put a stupid, meaningless APP on a pedestal, and all it has done is steal my time and interrupt the voice of my God.  It took me getting to the other side of the PLANET before I finally figured it out.

So… I’m saying goodbye to Instagram.  I’m cutting it out.  It’s wasted my time and it’s only gonna waste more if I let it.  I WANT to hear the Lord speak clearly to me on this Race and every day after.  I WANT my time to be used well.  My excuses are no longer enough!  I cannot allow something that is surface level and image-based to withhold my Race and my life from the fullness that I know in the deepest parts of my heart God wants to reveal to me.  This isn’t the cool, trendy thing to do.  In fact, I might just lose some “followers”.  But that’s never what following Jesus was supposed to be.  It is not cool to follow Jesus.  It is hard and, if our following is genuine, it will require many things from us.  It has cost me so much.  It has cost me comfort.  It has cost me friends.  It has cost me my sexual preference, and, in turn, the dream I’d had of one day having a wife and kids and living the modern American dream with them.  It has cost me a possible career.  It cost me a discernible and stable future.  It has cost me knowing where home is.

This grace is costly.  This peace is hard won.  This love is not a romance novel.  Still, I will follow Jesus.  Still, I will give him my life and anything else he asks for.  I’m not doing this because it’s popular.  I’m doing this because I’ve seen the truth and it’s something I can’t unsee.  And, oh, how much more I’ve gained!  I’ve gained family around the world—so many people I can’t keep count!  I’ve gained friends who have my back and are actually checking my heart and the condition of my spirit.  I gained a hope for a future—one with a husband and children and a brilliant faith to build on.  I’ve gained a purpose and some less than clear goals (but I know God’s in control).  Most importantly, I’ve gained an eternal home—a home with a Savior who loves me and the home he gives me is guaranteed to last and to be well worth the wait.

I’m laughing right now because this simple announcement post went well beyond what I intended it to become, but here we are.  Thank you for reading this.  I hope you are encouraged today to seek God’s voice and will for your own life.  Maybe there’s something hidden that you need to bring into the light, too.  Please don’t hesitate.  Don’t waste time.  Obedience has a greater return than any profit stubbornness or the cause of individuality ever brought in.  I’d rather obey now than regret later.  Who knows what will come of this change?  I’m optimistic that the future is bright and full of social media detox for me!  Haha!  God bless you all today.  Much love.