i don’t know but he’s good

So… I guess you haven’t heard from me in a while. A whole month, really. Can I give you the truth of it all?

I don’t like endings. Happily ever after never really told me what happened, you know… After. And, I’ve fought that all of month eleven. It’s really alot to think about. I don’t feel like I’ve processed Africa very well because it was just so much. The truth is I don’t know what to say to all of you. Especially, those of you at home. I’m not gonna return the same. I don’t know how to not tell all of it at once and scare you guys, and I definitely don’t want to be asked how the year was and just say something like, “It was great!”. There’s alot of fear that has had to be dealt with in the last month.

Fear of having no one understand.

Fear of being too different.

Fear of having experienced something extraordinary only to go back to ordinary.

Fear of losing the community I’ve built.

Fear of not finding as deep of a community back home.

Fear of feeling misplaced and without a home (obviously, I have my familial home but I mean one that I know is HOME).

Fear of going back to who I was.

Fear of the future (because God hasn’t given me much of a plan yet and that scares me). 

In all of this, though– 

God has remained faithful. I know I don’t have a tangible plan (and people love to hear a plan), but, for right now, my plan is to trust God with what I have and trust him with what is yet to come. I know who I am. I know who I’m not. I know there’s alot of unknowns but I have to believe he knows best and for right now that means complete trust. I came on the World Race with a hope and expectation to find an international home and God has decidedly sent me back to America! I didn’t like it at first but I know whatever he has in his plan has got to be better than what I thought I wanted.

He has changed so many of my wants and desires. I thought I wanted to live in another country and he revealed that my heart was seeking to run away. He has changed my heart and my understanding of missions. He has had me in a BEAUTIFUL place of trusting and praying over my husband since month five in Cambodia. (And what an answer to prayer that is to actually have a desire for my husband and a desire to let him lead in pursuit on God’s timing, not mine!) He has changed my heart toward people back home and given me a confidence in knowing that they, too, need to understand this grace that I’ve come to know. He has helped me forgive and choose to receive forgiveness for myself. He has moved me outside of so many comfort-zones. He has given me the desire to grow in confidence and to grow giftings in public speaking and evangelism. He has given me worship songs to sing (and I have been thoroughly encouraged by my squad that God wants to use them to impact so many other people). He has shown me the actual reach of my story and my voice in impacting people in the LGBT+ community and drawing them to the loving arms of the Father, who desires to know them and let Holy Spirit be the change in their hearts in His timing (not anyone else’s).

So ya. I’m not the same. And that’s SO good. I really have never liked being the “self-love” person, but can I just say it is a blessing to be changed?! I was bitter and angry and sad and lonely and without much hope before this thing started; today, that’s a different story. Ya, I didn’t really connect with many of the ministries my teams worked with. I believe that’s so I would know I’m supposed to be in the States for this next season. There are people I want in my life back there now and relationships I want to rebuild.

God gave me this word month ten in Rwanda:

‘This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: “Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”’ [Jeremiah 29:4?-?7 NLT]

And the word I’m taking home with me:

“Remain. Keep close, Daughter.”

Oh, how I love my Father. He’s so good. And I can trust him. You can, too.

Consider this:

‘“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord Almighty. “But you ask, ‘How are we to return?’ “Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me. “But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’ “In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the Lord Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the Lord Almighty.’ [Malachi 3:6?-?12 NIV]

HE’S. SO. GOOD.