Christmas at Home

So, I’ve been home in Texas for over a week now.  In DCLS, we have a two week vacation for Christmas and I think this has been a really restorative break.  I brought my roommate (who is from Germany) home with me and it’s been great to see her interact with my family.  They welcomed her like she is part of the family (not that I expected any less).  I was surprised to receive quite a few spendable Christmas gifts and I’m actually going to REI on Saturday morning to make some of my first World Race equipment purchases!!  That’s really very exciting!

I apologize for not posting in a while.  I had some technical difficulties that I am still trying to fix/making sure they are permanently fixed. However, I don’t think I would have been able to sort through where my mind has been if I had tried to write before now.  This has been one of the most difficult months I’ve had in a while.  Balancing my preparations for the World Race and working at the Dream Center is a complicated circus act.  I don’t feel like I’m preparing well for the marathon, but I’m actually doing all my body can handle.  Finding time with Jesus hasn’t been easy.  I can really tell that the Lord is refining a lot in me right now, but it’s hard to see the full picture when you are struggling through. 

Being vulnerable over a blog post, I think, is one of the biggest challenges I’ll have to face on the World Race.  I already struggle to feel as though I’ve fully expressed myself when I’m talking face to face with someone, but, over emotionless, black-and-white text, I feel less meaning and more room to edit the truth.  I am a person that desires to be profound– to be influential– yet I can’t seem to make my words be as powerful as what I understand to be true in my mind.  

Nevertheless, here I am.  The Lord has been really working on refocusing my attention.  While I understood in theory that I don’t have to clean house before I can receive Jesus’ love, I’d never really understood how to put that in action.  I have a bad habit of waiting until I’m tired of trying to fix myself before I go to God.  I’m not saying this because I have figured it out and I’m actually seeking him first now– I haven’t been doing that and there’s the point.  It’s been really hard to be leading students as a second year at the Dream Center when I feel I have nothing to offer.  All I feel is my own exhaustion and incapability.  It’s scary to go to someone empty-handed and still tell them to seek God.  I hate how I can be so self-condemning.  I want to sit down and take time to be with God, but all I end up doing is wasting my time on things that aren’t beneficial.  I do not mean for this to be a complaining rant, but I want to explain the constant battle it is to be a believer, let alone a leader.  Easy is not what I’m called to.  Simple is not what I’m called to.  We as followers of Christ are called to the dirty, treacherous, ever-winding narrow road that leads to his kingdom.  It isn’t my place to feel comfortable, to settle in and make my home along the way.  This is the part where I’ve only just picked up my cross to follow him.  I’ve only made it a few feet and I’m already stumbling.  But, there is no quitting in me.  I refuse to give up.  Every day I will pick up my cross and every day I will pray that God gives me the strength to bear what must be borne in his name.

Here’s my prayer right now:

To my Lord and my Lover, let me see your face.  Let me hear your voice.  For your voice is pleasant and your face is lovely.  You speak and I’m awakened.  You say to me, “Rise up, my darling!  Come away with me!”  Hallelujah.  Hallelujah.  Hallelujah, my king.  I’ve missed you.  How I love you.  How I need you.  Oh, how I love you.  My love isn’t the magnitude you deserve, but all of me I give to you despite my lack.  Today, I choose you.  I choose you.  I rely on the power of your grace and the strength of your mighty arm to lift my burden.  I am yours and you are mine.  Can anything ever separate me from your love?  Does it mean you no longer love me if I have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is mine through Christ, who loves me.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love.  Neither death or life, neither angels nor demons, neither my fears for today nor my worries about tomorrow– not even the powers of hell can separate me from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below– indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus my Lord.

Amen.

In other news, please be praying for my physical health and believing with me that my body can begin to repair itself better as I train for the LA Marathon.  If you would like to donate to my Race, please go to my contact page to see any instructions on how to get in touch with me or how to donate to my World Race.  If you would like to sponsor me for the marathon, please see my last blog post about the details of how many sponsor-slots I have per mile and you can use my contact information to let me know you will be sponsoring me for x amount of sponsor-slots.

Thank you, everyone, and God bless you this holiday season!